So why is that when a kid misbehaves, one of the first things we do is ask why – or some version of it?

“What were you thinking?”

“Why did you think that would be a good idea?”

Or worse, “What is wrong with you?” 

Then we ask them to tell us what to do about it.

“What can we do about this?”

“How can we help you?” 

I’ve watched this scene in schools happen over and over again. I have never seen a kid say, “Well, you know, Ms. Smith, I think I pushed Johnny today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night, and my impulses are running a little high today. I should probably go to bed early tonight.” Or, “I think you can help me by implementing a consistent behavior plan with a good balance of praise and consequences.”

If the kid answers at all, the only answer you will get to these questions is, “I don’t know” or maybe, “I wasn’t thinking.” I have literally never heard a substantial answer in these situations.

Maybe it can be done when the kid is not in trouble, and you have established a positive relationship with the kid. When angry adults aren’t staring them down, they may be able to come up with some ideas. But right amid a dust-up? Nope – you are getting the I-don’t-know shrug.

Why does it matter? 

First, it matters because nothing positive can come from these questions at the moment. You will not get the answer you want. Chances are, they don’t know. They had no idea why they thought throwing leftover bricks off the porch onto the driveway to watch them shatter seemed like a good idea. It just did. Remember, their brains are a work in progress. The emotional and rational connection is not great, and the logical side is still pretty weak.

Second, it matters because it feels terrible to everyone since nothing good can come of it. You are asking questions and not getting the answers you want. The kid is fielding questions and has no idea how to answer them.

What to do instead

Take a deep breath. Then, explain to the student why what they did was a problem. “Pushing other kids is not safe. You could have hurt Johnny.” “Those bricks were not yours to destroy. We may have wanted to use those for something, and now they are broken.”

Then give them a reasonable, rational consequence connected to the behavior. “You need to apologize to Johnny, and you will not be allowed to play that game for the rest of the day.” “You need to clean up the bricks.” If they are older, you might want to have them pay to replace the bricks.

Sometimes, you may need to help your child develop a replacement behavior. If he pushed Johnny because he was angry, help him create a couple of different options. “I can walk away and talk to another friend.” “I can tell Johnny why I’m angry.” Or you may want to help them with questions to ask themselves, like, “Are these bricks mine to break? Will breaking these bricks make a mess or be dangerous? Should I ask mom before I do this?”

Now, you can ask some questions. “Do you understand why [that behavior] was wrong?” “Do you understand why you need to [do this consequence]?” “Do you have some options to help you next time something happens?”